As a child of the 80’s, there were two movies that I had interest in this summer, not as a filmmaker but rather as a kid who got hella excited back in the days when I received Christmas gifts that consisted of robots that transformed into vehicles and fighter jets that fired brightly colored missiles at the bad guys. To look at these movies and demand that they perform on the same level as other, more “brain engaging” films is to do it and yourself an injustice. You have to able to turn off all form of adult logic and tap into that inner child that would spend an hour playing in the dirt with your Micro Machines. If you can’t do that, get the fuck on and go watch (500) Days Of Summer or something.
Transformers 2 came out and turned out to be a massive turkey for me. Everyone (including myself) was expecting GI Joe to turn in a similar performance. Well color me surprised as I came out of that theater entertained and with a slight smile on my face. Emphasis on the “slight” after all, it is a Stephen Sommers film (and because of that, you get a special cameo appearance from a frequent collaborator that amounts to shit).
Okay, it’s pretty dumb, lets get out of the way but if you were going in here and expecting some Tom Calncy/Bourne Identity-type stuff, you already messed up by even entertaining the notion of watching this flick. The story is your standard issue, Mad Libs-style screenplay so just mix-and-match locations and situations from all other movies of this brand and you’ll catch my drift. The blatant rip-off of the Iron Man suit with the accelerators were alright (Sommers says he thought of those years ago but I somehow doubt it was before Iron Man was created back in 1963) and they work well but the CGI made them animate very awkwardly so technically, they looked strange on screen but they were part of probably the best action sequence in the movie for me. Snake Eyes is in there for a few action sequences, does his thing but there is never that moment you realize that this guy is mad dope. That blame might go to the editing and some real crowded action sequences and unfortunately if you’ve seen most of the trailers, you’ve seen the best parts of Snake Eye’s performance in the film. Marlon Wayans is Marlon Wayans so prepare for that nonsense. Channing Tatum couldn’t act his way out of a 2nd grade play & the rest of the cast, for the most part, falls pretty flat. As for the special effects, CGI ranged from kinda good to kinda better and that seemed to bring everything down a notch for me but what are you going to do.
Kids are going to think this film is amazing and if this film was released back then, I too would have found it pretty bad ass. It’s not a complete pile of steaming shit that was Michael Bay’s stupid fest that was Transformers 2 but rather a straight to the point, dumb summer action flick that you can enjoy watching with some popcorn and perhaps a flask of Jack Daniels in your 128oz soda. Because that’s what a real American hero would drink. Something American, I assume. Give it a chance, you just might like it.
I walked out too pleasently suprised. The only problems I had were that Snake Eyes helmet had lips molded into it, which just looked fucking creepy, and the fact that Duke was able to take Snake Eyes down when they sparred. Snake Eyes was known for unconventional fighting styles and as bad ass as Duke was, no way could he take Snake Eyes down.
But the hot ass red head and SIenna Miller as the Baroness totally made up for it. Yum!
Yup, there were a lot of missteps taken with Snake Eyes and being that he was one of the cooler parts of the film, that says a lot about the overall quality. Not quite up there with Schumacher’s Batman nipples but close.
all is as i assumed. plus something about that pic of the baroness showing that ultra low beltline that is friggin hot
hey, mr. brodiemash, when will i be a ranked commentators??
Keep ’em coming and you’ll keep moving up, sir!
Let’s begin with the fanboy review:
Lame. Lame, lame, lame.
(I’d say SPOILER ALERT, but who cares)
Snakeyes (who everyone thought could save the movie) … lame.
Snakeye’s stupid-ass molded mask … lame.
Snakeyes vs. Stormshadow in what should have been some awesome fight scenes … lame.
Little kid Snakeyes vs. little kid Stormshadow … lame. And cliche.
And maybe stereotypically racist?
Snakeyes and his “vow of silence” … lame.
The Baroness with no accent … lame.
The Baroness’ transition glasses … lame.
The Baroness as Duke’s girlfriend … lame.
Zartan … lame. And underused.
Zartan being in the movie for all of three minutes while being one of its most critical plot points … lame.
Accelerator suits … lame.
Nanomites … lame (though not completely un-GI Joe like).
Destro without his metal face … lame.
Destro WITH his metal face … lame.
“The Doctor” aka Cobra Commander … surprisingly not lame. They got the voice down, though I don’t know why they needed to deviate from the classic shiny silver face mask. Or the cowl.
“The Doctor” and Duke being besties from way back … lame.
Marlon Waylons … surprisingly not lame.
Brendan Fraser’s cameo … lame.
I won’t even get into the whole “international force” deal, because it wouldn’t have bothered me if the rest of the movie wasn’t so … lame.
Now, putting aside the hundred-some comics and closet full of toys, here’s a more impartial review:
GI Joe wasn’t unwatchable, in the way “Spiderman 3” or “Spawn” or “Street Fighter” (with Jean Claude) were unwatchable. It was generic, sure. And it wasn’t the GI Joe movie I would make (or want to see made), but for those without years of emotional attachment to the characters, it’s a run-of-the-mill action movie that totally connects with little boys.
Yes, it was full of over-loaded action scenes that make it impossible to really tell what’s happening. And yes, instead of coming away awed, you leave a little overwhelmed. But that’s what’s popular these days. No, there wasn’t any real character development, and what was seemed trite and silly. But it’s GI Joe, not Shakespeare.
Think like a 8-year-old boy and you’ll be fine.
OOHHHH! I forgot about the kiddie Snake Eyes vs. kiddie Stormshadow sequence. It might be me but whenever I see kids trying to be bad ass on screen (and that kid at Japanese Kitchen who tries to show off his teppanyaki skills) it just makes me want to beat them into a bloody pulp. Good recap, sir! A decent jump-off that could of been better but I guess the box office has spoken because with a $56 million opening, we will be seeing some more Joe in the future. Hopefully we can get a more competent director next time.
Michael Bay? Ha ha ha ha.
According to Wikipedia (which is always correct) said the reason they redesigned CC’s mask was the felt the hood was too reminiscent of the hoods the KKK wore. Why they didn’t just used his silver faced mask, I don’t know?
But yeah Zartan was completely underused. And where in the hell was Flint? Or did Wayan’s character replace him?
@Famous:Best movie review ever.