Debbie Blog: That Twilight bullshit

Team Jacob or Team Edward?

Or as I like to say, “Beefcake vs. Cheesecake.”

Everywhere I turn lately, people keep asking me what team I’m on … do I want Jacob to spread whipped cream all over me or Edward to bathe with me in chocolate sauce? Is Jacob the guy I want to play doctor with or is Edward the guy I want to keep in my closet?

Ugh. People, please. Before you decide to step up to the plate and bat for Team Edward or Team Jacob, you need to make an educated, informed decision. And because I kind of like you, I’m here to help.

Being a blowup doll sucks at times (literally), but it has its benefits … like experience with men. And luckily for you, I’ve gotten to “know” all types, including your Edwards and your Jacobs.

Let’s start with our young Mr. Jacob (the Beefcake):

Jacob, with his bulging biceps, washboard abs and milk chocolate skin (quiver), is unquestionably fun to look at. It’s easier to look at the Jacobs of this world than it is to eat ice cream. The downside of this “perk” is that Jacobs completely agree with this. They couldn’t agree MORE that looking at themselves is easier than eating ice cream.

Jacobs keep mirrors on hand so that any free time can be used to make sure every hair is gelled perfectly into place, every muscle is bulging to its fullest potential, ready to rip right out of the creamy skin that’s covering it. And speaking of mirrors, Jacobs are the type that need a mirror over the bed, not to watch the rhythm YOUR ass is moving in, but so they can watch themselves plow into you like a farmer in his fields after the rain.

Sure, he loves whispering sweet nothings into your ear, stroking your hair and pretending ever so diligently to care about your needs, but that’s only when his phone isn’t ringing … He will ALWAYS answer it, and I AM talking about during the freaky deaky.

“But he looks so deeply into my eyes,” you say. Honey please. He’s only looking into your eyes because he forgot his mirror at home and is trying to check out his reflection. And he might seem like your fierce protector, but he’s really only protecting his status as a bad ass.

Jacob will always look better than you, and that’s something you’ll have to live with … until he dumps you for himself.

Is Edward (the Cheesecake) any better? Let’s evaluate:

The quiet, passionate, brooding awkwardness of Edwards are difficult to overlook. There’s something devastatingly sexy about the mysterious charm of an intelligent, seemingly mature loner like Edward.

Many a contender of the fairer sex see the Edwards of this world as their secret knight in shining armor (or a black Volvo) … the type who keeps to himself, but only because his intelligence and “love” can’t be wasted on the general population.

Just remember, he’s a blood sucker. His quiet, gloomy nature is really just a disguise for his freaky disposition.

“But what about the time he took his shirt off to clean my feet at the beach?” you ask. Sugar, you are better wiping that shit off with your OWN shirt, then putting your shoes on and hightailing it the fuck off that beach!

Edwards are constantly “depressed,” confining themselves to an inner prison of their own making, and they’re more than happy to lock you up too.

Speaking of locking up, the Edward types are definitely closet sex freaks. They’ll want to do things to you that a porn star wouldn’t go near with a 50-foot pole (no pun intended). (Why do you think Edward makes Bella wait until they’re married before doing the dirty? ‘Cause then she’s STUCK with his nasty ass after taking those vows!)

Edwards are the type that’ll write you a love poem or make you a thoughtful painting, only to tell you in the next instant that you’re a skanky ho and the reason for their misery. (Trust me on this.)

And you better hope that if mommy and daddy’s money runs out, YOUR Edward has some sort of skrilla, because if he doesn’t, you might as well accept the fact that he’s going to make you his sugar mama (or daddy) because he’s too depressed to get his ass out of bed and get a job. And when the bills get too high, he’ll just skip town, leaving you paying for the credit card trail. (Why do you think Edward jetted out of the country in “New Moon?” Not because he cared about Bella, but because he cared about Bella beating his ass since he probably owed her some serious cash.)

So my friends, now that you have the facts (or just my conjectures), you decide … Team Edward or Team Jacob?

As for me? At this point I say, Team Debbie.