Debbie Blog: Plastic gets inked

Being Fresno’s favorite blowup doll (I’m just going to assume that), it’s tough for me to play the “virginity” card on any given day, or, well, pretty much ever. But a week ago I had the opportunity to roll up my sleeves and get up close and personal with a masochistic new pleasure I thought I’d never have the cajones to experience in this lifetime: getting inked.

Up until recently, while lusting after body art in restaurants … workplaces … the sidewalk … my bedroom … you get my point … I had never considered myself “that” kind of doll; my body was a wonderland (more like “playland”) only meant for prodding by objects of the fleshy type – and that’s no hot air.

However, after a year full of mishaps, maladies and mayhem, I decided that hitting the bottle and getting my jollies from foxy animals on the big screen wasn’t really doing it for me anymore. I needed to find gangster new levels of ecstasy … the pleasure within pain – and I’m not talking about the kind of pain resulting from falling down concrete stairs at friends’ apartments – that fucking sucks (and I still have bruises). I’m talking about the sweet, panties-dropping-kind-of-pain from getting inked; so that’s exactly what I decided to do.

I’ll spare you all the details of how I found the perfect artist to rock my world (J. Esparza at Resistance Gallery … check ‘em out!), changing my mind 50 times about the design, almost chickening out and blah, blah, blah.

Instead, I conducted a mini interview with myself about losing my tattoo virginity, all for your own masochistic enjoyment:

Did it hurt?

No, it felt like dollar bills dropping on my skin. Of course it hurt! What do you think?! I had a needle penetrating through layers of my skin for two hours, blood was gushing out and I had to cross my legs to keep from kicking bystanders in the face.

Why did you decide to have it put on your forearm?

Because forearm tattoos are sexy. Are you getting turned on by looking at it? You should be.

That’s an interesting tattoo Debbie. Why did you choose a camellia?

Because I don’t like carnations.

What’s the worst part about getting a tattoo?

Freezing my ass off because I can’t wear sweaters, the ungodly itching and the disgusting trail of skin flakes I leave everywhere I go. Sweet Lord, make it stop.

Are you going to get any more tattoos?

I lost my ability to predict the future the last time I was deflated.

Do you regret getting inked?

The only thing I regret is agreeing to do this interview.